My Story

Hello, my name is Helen Rose. I have suffered from anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa for 3 years now. It all started with a simple YouTube workout and a strive to lose weight, and it spiraled out of control and became an eating disorder. Last year I have been noticed by doctors and have found treatment. Last year in October 2020 was one of the worst years. I was purging every meal that I ate. I was refusing food. I was hiding food. I was lying to everyone I loved. I was tearing my entire family apart. I was forced to get help. My blood sugar was deathly low and I was passing out. I was killing myself. My mom would cry everyday begging me to eat. I was consumed. I was at a low weight when I am 5'7. I was restricting my calorie intake to a dangerously low level. I was taking handfuls of laxatives almost everyday. My hair was falling out in chunks. I was exercising almost everyday. I hated my body and had severe body dysmorphia. I was scared, scared of everything. I am 13 years old and I am dying. I started therapy in January 2021. I loved my therapist, it felt like for once in my life since I had moved to a new place, I had found someone who understood me. I was still really sick and was continuing with my disordered habits, without anyone noticing. Only one of my many, many friends at the time noticed. I eventually isolated myself from all of my friends. I was screaming and yelling at my family on a daily basis. I was crying every single night. About a month ago my therapist has requested me to go inpatient, sadly all the treatments she has talked to has months long waiting list. I guess part of me thinks it's a good thing, but the other part of me really wants help. Earlier this month I have finally been put on a strict meal plan. I eat 3 meals and 2 snacks every day while being watched for an hour after everything I eat. It's been hell, honestly. I am still playing volleyball currently but I have no energy so I am constantly skipping practices or leaving early. I used to be so good but I don't have the energy to be good anymore. I am exhausted. I am still going to school but I am in control of all my meals if I can keep my weight from dropping. I am not allowed to see my weight but I am blind weighed constantly, and it drives me insane. I am addicted to counting calories and planning calories for days and weeks in advance. Eating disorders ruin lives. I am on the brink of  losing volleyball for a long time. I am on the brink of going to a treatment for months. In 2017 I started self-harming. I was cutting my arm maybe a few times a year. In 2019 I started self-harming a lot more maybe once a month. In 2020 during quarantine I was falling into the worst depressive episode I have ever been in. I was self-harming all the time. I wasn't getting out of bed. I had no motivation, I was isolating myself. My parents made the decision to bring me to the ER and I was admitted into a psych ward. I had a great experience. It's never a fun experience but I had a lot of support. In August of 2020 my self-harm had gotten so much worse. I was self-harming all the time. When my eating disorder started my self-harm had gotten bad. I was cutting at least once a week. To this day it is still like this, but I am trying to find a good coping mechanism that works for me. This blog is fully about my recovery from everything. I will keep you guys updated as much as I can.